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Let`s sleep in until it`s time to go to bed again
What this country needs is more unemployed politicians...
Iām sorry Iām late. I saw a drawing of the sun wearing sunglasses and spent 4 hours wondering what the f**k he was protecting his eyes from.
My kids refuses to play with the Ouija Board anymore because every time we play, it spells out CLEAN YOUR ROOM.
On the keyboard of life, always keep one finger on the Escape key
A coworker wouldn`t stop bragging about her upcoming trip to Hawaii, so I emailed her a bunch of pictures of plane crashes.
Home Alone (1990, Comedy) Two burglars attempt to murder an abandoned 8-year-old child
The secret of a happy marriage remains a secret.
I was going to do stand up comedy years ago but then I thought ...Ugghhh, standing...
Life Lesson: Never ever, ever do anything you wouldn`t want to explain to a nurse in a busy ER.
Are you supposed to wear the fanny pack over the gut or underneath it? I don`t want to look like a dork.
When I get bored I go to a car dealership and ask the salesman to lay in the trunk so I can "see how many I`ll be able to fit"
When I rule the world, it will be illegal to have an opinion until you`ve proven that you are not an idiot.
I just read that ciggarettes cause rectal cancer, I should me fine, I was going to put them in my mouth anyway..
on a scale of 1-10 how honest are you? I would say 10 but then i would be lying!