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Your baby was cute until I realized you’re on the same flight as me. Now your baby is stupid.
You can tell how a persons life is going by how they press the crosswalk button.
They say that being successful and living well is the best revenge. That may be so, but rubbing your naked ass all over someone`s cell phone when they aren`t looking is pretty good too ?
I gave up my Ego, because I am so much better than that..................
You can tell a lot from a woman by her hands. For instance, if they`re placed around your throat she`s probably slightly upset.
I want to die peacefully in my sleep like my grandfather did, not screaming for their lives like the passengers in the back of his truck
A show called the view shouldn`t hurt your eyes
I`m going to stand outside, so if anyone asks I am outstanding.
How long do I have to stand in front of the microwave for to become a member of X-Men?
If I ever had to run for my life, I would probably die.
I was discussing with my friend about the popular trends on sex, marriage and values. He says to me, "I didn’t sleep with my wife before we got married, did you?" I replied. "I’m not sure, what was her maiden name?"
I love Costco. You don`t go there thinking you`re gonna buy a 12-pack of watermelons but you`ll probably leave with one.
If your pet has its own FB page, it might be time for a reality check...
I`m starting a pay it backward campaign. When I get up to the drive through window I tell them that the car behind me is going to pay for it.
"I can`t wait for New Years to be over!" -my liver