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Vodka is just amazing water.
Do you think that the guy who invented the vibrator heard voices saying, "if you build it they will come"?
Why be difficult, when with just a little more effort, you can be impossible.
You can`t find happiness at the bottom of a beer ... Well no kidding, who is happy when their beer runs out.
Why is maple syrup so expensive?.. It grows on trees doesn`t it?
Excessive consumption of alcohol seems like a good idea.
Right now I`m having amnesia and deja vu at the same time. I think I`ve forgotten this before.
I really hate it when people need constant re-assurance. You know what I mean?
Where does Peter Pan have his lunch? At Wendy`s.
My predictive text dictionary doesn’t have “tsunami”, so if you ever get a text from me that says “trumang” start running.
Sometimes when it rains I go outside with a cocktail umbrella and pretend I`m a Giant.
I get in this weird mood where I don’t want to talk to anybody and just want to be left alone. I call this mood ‘Awake’
Don’t judge me because I only have $4 in my pocket. Judge me because I stole it off my daughter’s night stand.
Went by the bank today and the female teller was flirting with me which was weird considering she saw my account balance.
My 5 year plan is to watch Netflix. All of it.