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I’d be more motivated to work out if the stationary bikes had a little basket to hold my snacks and beer.
I`m really wanting to sit and watch a movie with my boyfriend. Can anyone recommend a good boyfriend?
When people with multiple personality disorders are about to die, whose life flashes before their eyes?
Anytime my boss leaves her office, I sneak in there and fart.
This Pokemon Go crap is getting ridiculous. I just saw a fight breakout between the pokebloods and the pokecrips.
If I drank, I`d have a lot funnier status updates on Facebook than I do now. Well, at least I`d think they were funnier.
Imagine how creepy the first guy to dress up as a clown must have been, where in hell did he get that idea?
*Sees my name in a math textbook* class: *stares at me* me: "yeah b!tches I bought 60 watermelons"
You can go anywhere you want if you look serious and carry a clipboard.
Dear piece of paper that wont go in the dust pan ... f*ck you!
I hate mosquitoes, I mean I know I’m delicious but damn.
I looked up "thesaurus" in my thesaurus and it says "Don`t be a smart-a$$".
Imagine if someone`s name was Gurt. You`d be all "yo gurt!" .. funny? no? Ok (._.)
It’s the most wonderful time of the year… to be slowly driven insane by Christmas music.
In life, you only need two tools - WD-40 and Duct Tape. If it doesn`t move but should, use the WD-40. If it should not move and does, use the duct tape