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A woman is quick to reject a man that lives with his mother, but will accept a man that lives with his wife.
It’s always awkward the first time you hold hands with someone because they usually want to know who you are and why you just grabbed them.
I can’t hang out tonight because I’m done with people for the day.
A simple "good morning beautiful" text could make any girl smile for the whole day. ..but knocking on the bathroom window first to ask her number sort of ruins it for some reason.
Judge: I`ve decided to give your ex-wife $350/month for child support. Me: That`s very generous. I`ll try and kick in a little myself.
It has been scientifically proven that any woman can be satisfied with only 3 1/2 inches — and it doesn’t matter if it is Visa or MasterCard
You know what else looks like a ring and has lots of power over people? Donuts.
I dare you to spit on this status.
I wish the guy who made the vacuum cord would chat with the guys that make phone chargers.
I was going to LIKE and compliment your FB pic, but I`m not a good liar.
All these women on the 48 dating sites I`ve joined, seem so f*cking sad and desperate.
If you don`t take 500 selfies a day, do you even love yourself?
Don`t wait until you`re on your deathbed to tell people how you really feel because you could be too weak to raise your middle finger.
No one answers their phones anymore... If I ever get arrested, I don`t want a damn phone call, I want a facebook posting.
My motto for the night ... drink till I no longer think :)