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I`ll never understand those people who say, "I mainly use facebook for my family." And I`m thinking to myself..."Umm...isn`t that what real life is for?"
If you see me smiling it`s because I`m thinking of doing something evil or naughty ... If you see me laughing it`s because I`ve already done it
I wish "friends with benefits" meant your friends paid all of your bills.
"There`s nothing sexier than a chick that knows how to work on cars" -Dudes, trying to get us to do that job too.
The parent-teacher conference is going great. They have no idea Iām not the teacher.
If you think buying condoms is awkward, try returning them.
Do u ever have the urge to tell someone to shut up even when they arent talking?
Isn`t it strange that bankruptcy attorneys don`t let you make payments....
Flu (noun) - The only time when having used tissues laying next to your bed is socially acceptable.
Adult: A person who has stopped growing at both ends and is now growing in the middle.
Why get married when you can just drive into oncoming traffic?
I`m pretty sure if you watched a movie of my life backwards it probably would be about a guy who refills beer cans and puts them in the fridge.
Apparently, my wife has friend zoned me...
Be Poor... Its Cheaper :)
Ice skating is just walking in cursive.