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Live today like it`s your last!! But pay your bills and use a condom just in case it isn`t.
Well I was gonna donate blood today until the lady got all personal and started asking "who´s blood is this?" and "How did you get it?"
To get laid is good. To get off is good. To get laid off is bad.
John has 35 candy bars. If John eats 27 of them what does he have? .... Diabetes. John has diabetes.
I like to walk around the house naked. Until the cops chase me back inside.
People – the most gentle, loving, kind, sympathetic, peaceful and caring creatures in the world. Especially when they need something from you.
Nice try "Private Caller", but I wont`t answer even if I know you.
Loneliness is when your sleeve unrolls itself while washing dishes and you try to roll it back up with your face.
Every day is a constant battle of trying to convince myself I don’t like cookies.
Going to Walmart with my mom and kids is a great way to test if the Xanax is working!
I am who I am, your approval is not needed.
I like to stand 20 ft in front of the Walmart greeter and greet people before he gets a chance.
As I rise from my slumber the children scream in horror, as they did not know I was in the McDonald`s Playland ball pit
I just replaced the can of air freshener in the office bathroom with an air horn. And now we wait....
Being human is expensive and exhausting.