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Everyone is gifted. But not everyone opens their present.
I`m going to hell in every religion!
The difference between cars and whales is that whales can swim and cars can`t.
A simple "good morning beautiful" text could make any girl smile for the whole day. ..but knocking on the bathroom window first to ask her number sort of ruins it for some reason.
You`ve really got to hand it to short people, because sometimes they often can`t reach it.
I think today I`ll stalk my stalker, just to shake things up a little.
Alcohol makes me worse at everything except telling secrets
I found a spider in my shoes. He looks ridiculous, they`re way too big for him.
It’s called “Karma” and it’s pronounced “Haha, f*ck you!”.
Roses are red, violets are blue, the boss snuck out early, so I left too.
Every conversation should come with a snooze button. That way if you`re being too boring, I can push a button and keep you from talking for the next 10 minutes.
I consider each one of my friends a gift. Now if only I could remember where I put some of those receipts.
This one time, I got trapped inside a couch cushion fort for like 47 days cause I forgot to put a secret door on it.
Dear Lord, Thanks for making me funny. Especially since you didn`t give me much else to work with.
To the individual who sat outside in their car, across the street from our house, at 530 am and had Led Zepplens Immigrant Song blaring at full volume, I have one thing to say to you! AWESOME CHOICE DUDE!!!!!!!