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You cant ask "What do you mean by that?" without sounding pissed off
When I was a kid they didn`t call it "Behavioral Disorders", They called it "Being a little brat".
"I ran a half marathon" sounds so much better than "I quit halfway through a marathon"
great day! laundry done, dishes and house cleaned.... who am I kidding? been drinking since 9 am!!
Tire rotation? Nice try, mechanic! I rotated my tires like a thousand times on the drive over here.
Life is like a box of chocolates and you`re on a diet so you can`t even enjoy it.
If you can read this please let me know – because it means I blocked the wrong person.
You know that confused look that old people get when looking at new technology? I`m like that, but with salad.
Interviewer: "What did you like best about your last job?" Me: "Sometimes, people had birthdays and there was free cake."
In the beginning, God created Heaven and Earth. Everything else was made in China
I just had a call from a Charity asking me to donate some of my clothes to the starving people throughout the world. I told them to F off!! Anybody who fits into my clothes isn`t starving!!
morning i hate girls evening i need girls
My misery likes tequila, not company.
Women say all men are dogs, but fail to realize that dogs are the most loyal creatures in the world if you treat them right.
Are walruses just vampire manatees?