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Why is there a show called “When animals attack”? It should be called “When stupid people go near dangerous animals.”
I`m pretty sure whoever coined the phrase " rise and shine", doesn`t do it anymore.
A recent survey of one person revealed that 100% of me thinks that I should leave work early.
Wow.. I didn`t know spandex could hold that much.
Just bought a Ken doll. I don`t know what everyone`s talking about, you can`t read books on this thing.
Scream “Chrome is better than Firefox” around a group of geeks if you wanna see them argue for 2 hours.
figured out today that my GPS has auto-correct....I put in "Beach house" and ended up in my ex`s driveway.
My baby girl is so polite. I told her she needed to share and she said "No, thank you"
Interviewer: "What did you like best about your last job?" Me: "Sometimes, people had birthdays and there was free cake."
Don`t apologize because you haven`t posted in a while. No one cared.
"Hey homie!" - How I greet my house whenever I arrive.
Your clothes are making me extremely uncomfortable. Please, take them off.
Some days I just wish I was an octopus, so I could slap eight people at once.
If I ever get to an age where the music from the ice cream truck doesn`t make me excited, pull the plug.
A company has announced a new service where you carpool with strangers. It`s a new cutting-edge technology called "taking the bus."