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I sent one of those swabs off for DNA sampling. Apparently, I`m 50% Crest, 25% Denture fixative, 13% kebab, and 12% Rum.
And then her mood ring just...exploded
I love screwing with the minds of the foreign tech support guys. "My name is Perry, not Terry. With a P as in Pterodactyl."
Friday is like a superhero that always arrives just in time to prevent me from savagely beating my coworkers with a keyboard.
If you had to choose between your girlfriend or GTA 5 which character would you play as first?
The early bird gets the worm. But the rest of the birds can get McGriddles until 10:30.
Some days your the duck. Some days your the goose.
It`s so cold out I`ve turned 50 Shades Of Blue!
If I`ve learned anything about picking up woman at the super market it`s to stay away from those in the tampon isle.
Sarcasm is funnier when used on people who don`t understand it.
I met a lady named Polly once. She didn`t care for crackers, nor my sense of humor.
Love your neighbor. But don`t get caught.
I`d say that most of my mistakes can be traced back to when I decided to get out of bed. ... just sayin! ;)
Every time I go to the bank I ask if they are giving out any free samples.
I bought a screwdriver bit for my electric drill. It`s useful for converting ordinary phillips screws into non removable screws.