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My doctor told me to stop drinking...Then he told me to stop laughing.
They don`t make pizza or beer out of celery. And that is all you need to know about celery.
Admit it, you should be doing something else really important right now but your on Facebook again.
My panic room is a walk-in beer cooler at the liquor store.
String cheese is the sexiest of the cheeses. It’s like you get to undress it.
Thank you Super Bowl for reminding all Americans how bad we really are at understanding Roman numerals
I always confuse the words exotic and erotic. That made for a very awkward conversation at my local pet store.
If your house doesn`t have house numbers on it, you need to address that situation.
Netflix is a lot like facebook in the way I just waste time scrolling and scoffing at things.
The bright side of getting attacked by a Cyclops is only having to use half the pepper spray.
I`m not leaving here without some kind of balloon
I can almost always tell if a movie doesn`t use Real dinosaurs.
Was that lightning? ... No, they`re taking pictures for Google Earth.
Soon ovens will come with webcams and wireless connections so that posting photos of your dinner will be even easier.
People who weigh their produce. What`s it like to have all the time in the world?