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I`m a spontaneous procrastinator
Damn it. I missed the number of the day on Sesame Street and now I don`t know how many pills to take.
Pretending to tolerate other people is exhausting.
I wouldn’t have to manage my anger, if people could learn to manage their stupidity.
Sports commentators need to stop saying penetrate
It`s not really stalking if you don`t catch me doing it.
No matter how bad your day seems, just remember that someone out there has to clean the bathroom at Taco Bell.
The older I get, the more I enjoy being bored.
You know that tingly feeling you get when you have a crush on someone? That’s common sense leaving your body.
The hostess said to sit wherever I want, but the couple at this table are giving each other weird looks and have totally stopped talking.
My brain contains a few things I should know and the rest is just song lyrics.
I just blew all my party money on bills again
I just changed my relationship status from “left hand” to “right hand”…
Something about summertime brings out the beer guzzling Homer Simpson in me.
I always put a little umbrella in my drink so it doesn`t dilute in the shower.