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If thought bubbles appeared magically above my head I would be so screwed!
Another day where I`m not skinny, rich or famous. Getting real tired of this sh*t.
I`m as nutty as a squirell fart
My gift horse is facing the wrong way
I´m a nobody, nobody is perfect, therefore I am perfect!
There just isn`t enough make-up in this world to cover up crazy.
Today, my wife asked "would you still love me if I was ugly and fat." "Yes, honey I do." was not the right answer.
I was stood in front of the mirror last night, admiring my six pack. Then it occurred to me, why the f*ck am I not drinking it?
"Never go to bed angry" is the worst advice ever. I haven`t slept in a week!
I love sleep because its like a time machine to breakfast.
Time to walk the cow and milk the dog, Happy Hump Day!
Answering all questions with "but you ain`t got no legs Lieutenant Dan" stops people from asking you questions.
I`ve run out of things to be upset about. I hope Justin Bieber has kids soon.
According to my childhood, 1 out of 3 pigs are excellent builders.
I`ll sell my broken watch when the time is right.