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You can steal my status updates whenever you want, but just remember that I lick every single one before I post them...
Watching a funny movie after watching a scary one too try to reduce the risk of nightmares.
"Good for you!" means, "I do not consider you a threat" in woman-speak.
I think I really have an amazing butt. Every time I talk to someone and start walking off they say "what an ass.."
I got drunk last night and my house wasn`t where I left it.
Well, if anything, the Mayans did teach us one valuable lesson. If you don`t finish something...it`s really not the end of the world.
Kinda surprised I`m not an action figure by now.
I only have a kitchen because it came with the house.
A successful man is one who makes more money than his wife can spend. A successful woman is one who can find such a man
My winter wardrobe consists of my summer clothes layered on top of one and other.
Trying to understand women is like trying to smell the color 8.
Never make the same mistake twice, There are so many new ones, Try a different one each day.
If you want to give me dirty looks for being at the liquor store at 9am, don`t be open.
Where have you been all my life? Can you go back there?
Thank God I still have a few days left to achieve my goal of “going to the gym in 2014.”