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I`m amazed at the mileage my car is getting. I`m still running off the same tank of gas I bought last year!
I always keep a google search for "how to find anyone, anywhere, and kill them" open on my phone in case anyone steals it.
All I see on Facebook is penis, orgasm, bang him, bang her, bullwhip, masturbate, porn, tits, and then I read everyone else`s posts..
I`d rather spend 5 minutes reorganizing the dishwasher, than spend the 10 seconds it takes to wash the dish that doesn`t fit.
When my dog sniffs another dog`s poop I can only assume that it`s their equivalent to checking a friend`s facebook page.
Some days, I think that Dexter dude has the right idea.
"I like your tree`s earring." ... "That`s a tire swing."
Anyone want to come over and watch porn on my new flat screen mirrior?
A simpler, more believable theory is that all the dinosaurs got married and just quit having sex all together.
My wife said if this gets 100 likes, we`ll try butt stuff........ * Please DON`T like,,, her strap-on is big and scary.....
If my body is ever found dead on a jogging trail, just know I was murdered elsewhere and dumped there.
Immature is just a word boring people use to describe fun people.
I need a job that pays at least 10,000 dollars an hour.
My flock of sheep were stolen from my farm last month. I`ve not been able to sleep since.
Several years ago Facebook came in to our lives forever changing our ability to judge each other from our couches.