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Replacing day drinking with a real job was the worst decision I`ve ever made.
You never know a person until you walk in their shoes, or until you check their browser history.
The Hulk just texted me a picture of a zucchini, I think?
I flunked anger management class.
My GPS is basically just one more woman in my life who I turn on and then ignore.
Good morning to some...Hello to others...And f*uck you to the rest!!
Just ate a whole bag of chips, but it was “reduced fat” so basically it was like going to the gym.
You`ve got to love yourself. But not in public places.
If you’ve never pretended a Cheeto is a tiny caveman club, we can’t be friends.
You actually have friends? Yeah bro, all 10 seasons on DVD.
Do you think we like to sing in the shower because we all love a good soap opera?
Adam Levine beating me out for sexiest man contest is complete bullsh*t.
It’s amazing what I’m able to get done when I need to do something else.
Never take advice from people on the Internet. Not even this.
Everyone wants their kid to learn to walk until exactly 30 seconds after their kid learns to walk.