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If other employees are taking four fifteen minutes smoke breaks a day, I should most certainly be allowed a one hour nap time.
Boss: "Thanks for the coffee. You know what`d go well with this?" Me: "The antidote?" Boss: "No, a donu...Wait, what?" Me: "Nothing"
I`ve been building my own particle accelerator. Plan to create a boson particle. Explore the mysteries.....you know what? This is a lot of work. Think I`m just going to have a beer and play Call of Duty.
On the bright side, all that coal will keep me warm this winter.
It would take a pretty stupid robot to replace me.
Here Friday Friday...come on...hurry up! Oh no you don`t! You come when I call you damn it! Get your a$$ over here. ... good boy!
You`d think Pizza Hut would be able to upgrade to a house by now.
Water is life; without it we wouldn’t have coffee, whiskey or beer.
If by angry birds you mean flipping off a$$holes while driving then yes I`m at the expert level of Angry Birds
This patience thing takes forever.
Whenever I meet a new girl, I introduce myself by shaking hands with my left hand. I don’t want her to meet her competition right away.
I just fell down the stairs holding a guitar and accidentally wrote a One Direction song.
You are more likely to be bitten by a person who believes they are a shark than an actual shark.
Halloween really is the perfect time to get rid of all those TacoBell hot sauce packets.
I just had Déjà vu...and you were an asshole both times.