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I enjoy long walks on the beach and that thing you just did with that banana.
I`d gladly eat raw eggs before my workout provided those eggs were inside brownie batter.
Just pour the coffee and back away slowly.
Do you ever think about sh!t you did in the past and just go why the f*ck did nobody punch me in the face?
I asked my mom for money and she said "Does it look like I am made of money?" I said "Well isn`t that what M.O.M stands for?"
I don`t plan anything as well as I plan which alcoholic beverage I`m going to consume once I leave work.
A cheap way to get Botox face is by walking your dog in zero degree temperature.
I really want to see you tonight. So could you please leave the blinds up and the curtains open?
Hey Guys! I havent seen you since last year!(;
I`m one step away from being rich, all I need now is money.
Haters can hate all they want... they don`t affect my money.
I had this awesome dream last night where Facebook went down and most of you went on a killing spree.
My goal in life: Build a time machine and travel forward into the future until I can stop and ask someone "Do you know what `buffering` is?" and they are clueless.
A spider just tried to crawl across my hand and now Googling how to extract a fork from bone without causing more damage.
Alarm clocks should come with sounds like "tiny doll feet scampering into the closet" because I am not hitting snooze when I hear that.