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It`s really ironic that I mostly use my driver`s license to buy stuff that impairs my ability to drive.
I`m now fit to make my regular annual resolution. The accomplishment is the problem
If I had a nickel for everytime I told myself I`d quit smoking, I could buy a lot more cigarettes
There aren`t enough love songs about the moment you see your luggage appear at baggage claim.
Life is like a box of chocolates. They never last as long for fat people.
Let`s be honest. If God wanted us to be vegetarians, he would have made cows faster.
For every idiot proof system devised, a new and improved idiot will arise to overcome it.
I just went into an AOL chat room to ask someone how to start a fire with sticks.
For someone who can`t put on a pair of socks without falling over, I sure do manage to get a lot done every day.
What idiot decided it should be my foot`s asleep instead of coma toes?
Just sneezed 8 times in a row and saw the entrance to Narnia for a split second.
People who think only God can judge them have obviously never met my mother-in-law.
The awkward moment when you realise you’re wrong in an argument, but you keep arguing anyway.
Nothing is quite as scary as hearing your doorbell ring on the same night you made a blood sacrifice to the dark lord.
I didn`t see anyone important today, so I`ll probably wear these same clothes tomorrow.