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Just saw someone holding a sign that said "Honk 2 impeach Obama" You`d think the process to impeach a president would be more complicated
They told me to come here and write something funny, so I`m gonna post my bank account balance: -$4.09
All my childhood invisible friends are probably doctors and lawyers now.
Was sitting, doing nothing. Then I realized I could be sitting and doing nothing on Facebook. So here I am.
Just moisturized my hands and now I can`t get out of the bathroom. Send help.
When a movie says "Based on a true story." it means this is sort of what happened but with way uglier people.
Unless your kid’s fundraiser is selling booze, I want no part of it.
Don`t worry about the grass on the other side. It`s not your grass.
Don`t forget to turn your clocks back today if you want them to be set to the wrong time.
I can eat anything in the house unless it was specifically bought for my wife but the only way to know it`s for her is to eat it. Apparently
I swear if my memory gets any worse, i`ll be able to plan my own surprise party.
In order to get my teenagers attention I shut off the WiFi router and wait for them in the room it`s in.
Seriously contemplating remarrying my ex wife, but I`m pretty sure she`ll figure out that I`m just after my money
Why hasn`t anyone written a sequal song to "Jessie`s Girl" ... Where he discovers what an incredible high maintenance drag she is?
A lot of woman turn into good drivers. So if you`re a good driver, beware of women drivers when their making a turn.