Your home to over 150,000 silly Facebook statuses! Find the perfect witty, silly, or downright funny status to share with your friends and family. Check in daily for fresh updates!
Why do men fart more than women? Because women can`t shut up long enough to build up the required pressure.
Once your pants catch fire, the fact that you`re lying becomes less important.
Sometimes I think, "Screw this, I will just be a stripper." Then I remember I am fat and I can`t dance.
It`s amazing how we are very good lawyers for our own mistakes and very good Judges for other people`s mistakes.
Got bored today so I dressed up in tan pants and a blue shirt then went into Best Buy and quit.
Nothing makes you feel more insignificant than still having 85% battery at noon.
You know that confused look that old people get when looking at new technology? I`m like that, but with salad.
My shrink says if I take these pills I won`t see you guys anymore.
Nothing good goes into a microwave at 2:00am.
Leave the past behind. Smile every day. Never wear underwear. I don’t know. Inspirational statuses are hard.
A week is just five days of wishing you had nothing to do followed by two days of wishing you had something to do
Relationship status: Just kissed my cat and he got up and moved to the other end of the couch.
Dear Autocorrect, She`s an amazing woman not an amazon woman. Thanks. And now I`m never getting laid.
In honor of this years` Super Bowl participants respective States of residence, they`ve changed kickoff to 4:20 Eastern Standard time.
I can`t turn water into wine, but I can turn vodka into dinner