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Pandas are proof that if you have a cute enough outfit no one will call you fat.
My next relationship will be with someone who thinks "Wine" is a perfectly acceptable answer when he asks what`s for dinner.
When sliding down the banister of life, always make sure that the end is knob free!
Convincing my dog I really threw the ball is the closest I’ll ever get to being a magician.
If I was a cab driver I`d yell "ROAD TRIP" every time I got a passenger
We`re all mature until somebody brings out the bubble-wrap...
I like to fill my medicine cabinet with marbles before I invite people over.
Wishing a happy unbirthday to everybody who`s birthday isn`t today.
If you`ve ever wondered which of your friends are really amazing, you`re in luck today. :)
Dear person reading this, just want you to know that someone cares about you. It`s not me, but I`m sure someone does...
A smart man washes his hands after he pees. A wise man doesn`t pee on his fingers.
The thinner the eyebrow, the crazier the woman.
AT this stage in my life an ALL NIGHTER JUST means I didn`t have to get up and pee....
Don`t judge a person for drinking; judge a person for not drinking. Those f*ckers are up to something.
One man’s LOL is another man’s WTF.