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If you need help moving I am one hundred percent there for you emotionally.
I`ve got this great new drinking game where you take a shot every time you want to get more drunk.
If you rearrange the letters of "postmen" they get really pissed off.
I’m drinking because you’re talking.
Just saw a coyote next to the highway. I hope this tunnel ahead isn`t just painted on.
It’s what people don’t know about each other that makes them such good friends.
For every idiot proof system devised, a new and improved idiot will arise to overcome it.
I`m CDO. It`s like OCD but the letters are in alphabetical order. LIKE THEY SHOULD BE!!!
You bring the friendship, I`ll bring the benefits.
Nice try horror movies, but everyone in my generation is already terrified to answer their phones
Girl scout cookies suck! I ate like 20 boxes of thin mints and I`m not any thinner.
Normal is getting dressed in clothes that you buy for work and driving through traffic in a car that you are still paying for — in order to get to the job you need to pay for the clothes and the car, and the house you leave vacant all day so you can afford to live in it.
Dear Lord, Thanks for making me funny. Especially since you didn`t give me much else to work with.
You guys make me wanna be a better alcoholic!
You haven`t truly tested your patience yet until you get stuck behind an undecided person at a Redbox kiosk.