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I met a woman on a dating site that said she was high maintenance when I finally saw her it looked more like she was in need of major repairs
Great idea for an April Fools Prank ... Hide all of the desktop icons on someone`s computer and replace their wallpaper with a screenshot of their old desktop.
The most common crossfit injury is a black eye from talking about it too much.
Is it too early for extra nog in my egg?
If I say “it’s a great day to be alive,” it’s because those are literally my only plans.
I said "sad face emoji" instead of actually frowning today if you want to know how out of touch with reality I am.
Instead of a selfie, you should take a someone elsie.
Since you no longer have a calendar I`d like to notify all the Mayans that it has been one year since the end of the world.
I found a dollar in my bed this morning... Following my excitement was a flash of panic as I checked all my teeth
Please pray for the people still playing Farmville on Facebook.
Happy St. Patrick`s Day! I was going to drink anyway!
It was the best of times, it was the worst of times. -Me with beer, me without beer
Absolutely is my favourite nothing to do...
Whenever someone says “I’m not book smart, but I’m street smart”, all I hear is “I know where you can buy drugs"
The light does go out in the fridge ... Now I have to wait for someone to let me out.