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Your call is very important to us. Please enjoy this 40 minute flute solo.
I hope I’m the last guy on earth — I wanna see if all those women were lying to me.
I thought the movie `fast & furious` was about my sex life. I`m fast, my wife is furious.
If I was rich, I`d do nothing all day from a much nicer couch
Someone told me that I seemed a little more classy than usual. The only thing I can think of is they somehow found out I used a Target bag instead of one from Wal Mart to line my bathroom`s wastepaper basket.
Happiness is the journey, not the destination, and when you reach your destination, ie; bottom of a beer, you must embark on a new journey, ie; get another beer........
My house looks like I`m losing a game of Jumanji.
Leave the past behind. Smile every day. Never wear underwear. I don`t know. Inspirational statuses are hard.
Grabbing a drink after work is perfectly fine.However, you look like an alcoholic when your getting that drink at 6am.
This Kit Kat commercial is making some awfully big assumptions about both my generosity and my number of friends.
Why would I dance like nobody`s watching? People need to see this.
When I see a hot girl walking by, I like to look at her and blink very fast and repeatedly so it looks like shes walking in slow motion. Everything is better in slow motion =)
The bad news is I don’t know what I’m doing with my life. The good news is I no longer give a crap.
C`mon Netflix, we both know I`m watching the next episode. Just go ahead and start it.
I am not lazy, I`m on power saving mode