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If I could choose any one mythological creature to become alive & real, I`d have to pick…My girlfriend.
Relationships should come with an icon that shows you how much time you have left like your phone’s battery.
"Probiotic" sounds a lot better than "bacteria infested"
To get laid is good. To get off is good. To get laid off is bad.
All the coffee beans in South America can`t make me a morning person.
If it`s really the thought that counts, we`re ALL screwed. LOL ;)
Call me a hoarder if you want but don`t come crying to me when you need a 3 foot tall stack of mayonnaise jar labels.
How about a T.V. show that just explains the backstory on all of the "For External Use Only" warning labels.
To the teenager that flipped me off for honking at you. Your phone is on top of your car.
When I text someone and they dont text me back, I automatically assume that they fainted from overexcitement.
My career plans were much more exciting when I was 5
Arguing over a girl`s bust size is like choosing between Molson, Heineken, Coors or Budweiser -- Men may state their preferences, but will grab whatever is available.
The plural of beer is beer, which is very convenient when you are explaining to your wife why you were late coming home from work.
Chillin: the art of doing nothing without being bored.