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If you need help moving I am one hundred percent there for you emotionally.
During the summer months, be sure to dress for the body you have. Not the body you want.
I can`t afford Disney World so we go to the biggest hill on my street and my kids wait an hour before I roll them down in my office chair.
My father was never proud of me. One day he asked me, "How old are you?" I said, "I`m five." He said, "When I was your age I was six."
You know you`re getting older when you play GTA and spend 3 hours just walking around the map trying to find where you parked your car.
I don`t get personal trainers. I`ve never been exercising and thought "man, I wish someone hot was criticizing me right now."
My car doesn’t have a passenger airbag but don’t worry, if we get in an accident all the McDonalds napkins in the glove box will cushion you
I just stepped on a cornfkake does that make me a cereal killer ?
It’s funny how people get mad when you treat them the same way they treat you.
I hope manners is the next cool trend.
Meanwhile on Facebook someone has made a casserole
I have the ability to drive people crazy. I`m not sure if I was born with it or if I learned it. But damn am I great at it.
I remember when peer pressure was all about drugs and promiscuous sex. Now it`s Fitbit and who has the best gluten free recipes.
Who was the greatest prostitute in history? Ms. Pacman, for 25 cents that b*tch swallowed balls till she died.
Inspirational status: Today’s probably going to suck. Don’t be a little bitch and handle that sh!t.