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How to get a woman mad in 2 easy steps: 1. Take a picture of her. 2. Don`t show it to her.
I used to have a tremendous sex drive. My girlfriend lived 150 miles away
Am I the only one who calculates how much sleep I can get before I go to bed?
You’re probably naked under all those clothes. You slut.
If you have ever sat in the toilet at work and wondered how long you can sit there before someone searches for you, the answer is 47 minutes
I don`t care what people think of me. It can`t be half as bad as what I think of them...
If someone`s mean to you, just lean in and whisper "I`m a Barbie girl in a Barbie world" to them & get that monstrosity stuck in their head.
People who say watching golf on TV is boring have obviously never listened to golf on the radio
Grant me the courage to change the things I can, the serenity to accept the things I cannot, and a big-a$$ed pitcher of margaritas as “Plan B”
Cop: Been drinking tonight, ma`am? Me: No, I`m just dizzy b/c I`m having a heavy flow day. It`s really clotty and... Cop: You`re free to go.
Being the fat guy at McDonald`s is like being the muscle guy at the gym. People stay out of your way cause they know you mean business.
Do gun manuals haue a trouble shooting section?
Marriage is just a fancy word for adopting an overgrown man child who can`t take care of himself.
I want the drugs of the first guy who was like "DUDE, let`s carve a face into a pumpkin."
Good news everyone – my proctologist called and all the tests were negative. Bad news - his ring is missing...