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Why do baby clothes have pockets?
What`s a burnt pizza, frozen beer & a pregnant girl have in common? There was a DUMBASS who didn`t take it out in time.
“Nevermind.” Translation: You should’ve listened the first time.
Does the Food Network deliver?
Advantage #46 of being single. I have entire closets that are completely empty.
My doctor says each piece of bacon takes 9 minutes off your life... If my math is right, I should`ve died in 1781...
Alcohol: Because no good story starts with “So this one time I was eating a salad….”
PRO TIP: If you see a woman crying, never ask if its because of her hair.
Non alcoholic beer is like porn movie on a radio
It really pisses me off when I plan a conversation in my head and the other person doesn’t follow the damn script.
Darn right I’m good in bed. ...I can sleep for days.
I own a shop selling `CLOSED` signs. We haven`t had a single customer today.
It’s called a “remote” because those are your odds of finding it when you want to change the channel.
This getting older thing really sucks. These days my eyes are so bad I have to buy the Large Print edition of Alphabet Soup.
Sometimes in the morning while drinking my coffee, I think about all the people I will be pissing off.