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That horrible feeling you get when you`re not asleep anymore.
I don`t care how much you like the soap. Never leave a public restroom smelling your fingers.
My short-term memory is my ONLY problem..... Well, that, and my short-term memory
When I`m bored, I send a random text to a random number saying "I hid the body... now what?"
Think of a number between 0 and 20. Add 40 to it. Multiply by 2. Subtract 3. Now close your eyes.... It`s dark isn`t it.
So if your invited to someone`s 4th marriage is it wrong to give them a gift certificate to a good divorce attorney?
If you`re really really quiet, you can hear yourself doing the world a favor.
Time to turn over a new leaf ... With my luck it’ll be poison ivy.
Today`s Big Idea: Coffee eye drops.
Not clicking like on this status makes your a$$ look fat.
I Like this quote. I dislike this quote. I am so clever that sometimes I don´t understand a single word of what I am saying.
You actually are not the stupidest person on the planet. But if he were to die...
People that do stuff- what’s your secret?
I went to the store to buy some comdoms and the cashier asked me If I needed a bag ? "I replied No she`s not that ugly"
You can always tell if a guy masturbates a lot by looking at his hands. If you look closely, you’ll see a wedding ring.