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I have a new rule: No one is allowed to talk to me for a minimum of 24 hours after I wake up.
I just found out people are playing golf online. And I thought my life sucked!
Some girls are so desperate. Who calls 3 times, leaves a voicemail, and sends a text?? Take a hint, mom.
Pro tip: when you`re watching a show like "my five wives" with your wife, don`t suggest potential additional wives.
The key to successful relationships is not to start any.
Why are there never any good side effects. Just once, I’d like to read a medication bottle that says “May Cause Multiple Orgasms”
Bathtub` spelled backwards is still `bathtub`. It`s not, but for a second there, you believed me.
If I had a dollar for every time someone told me I`m cute, I would have 1 dollar ... thanks mom.
Kicking a man while he’s down burns 150 calories.
My version of flirting is looking at someone attractive multiple times while hoping they are more brave than I am.
This Tequila tastes like an afternoon of fun and bad decisions.
I wish I loved anything as much as rappers love female dogs and gardening tools.
Jingle all the way. Nobody likes a half-assed jingler.
Hibernation should be a human thing too.
Being an adult is 99% wondering how you hurt your back.