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This woman is so impressed at my driving that she got next to me just to show me she’s not wearing a ring. Thanks hun, but wrong finger!
Everything happens for a reason. Sometimes that reason is you are stupid and make bad decisions.
Perhaps Voldemort’s face is flat because he ran into the wrong wall at the train station.
Yes Grandma, I`m almost positive Arachnophobia is not the fear of people from Iraq
I can`t stand people who blame everyone else for their problems....I`d be successful and happy by now if it wasn`t for them!!!!
Sometimes I feel that I need someone special to complete me, but then I have a pizza and I`m like, "Nope. I`m good."
I`m really tired but it`s OK. There`s a nap for that.
How about a T.V. show that just explains the backstory on all of the "For External Use Only" warning labels.
Sometimes I feel like a loser for spending so much time on Facebook. Then I remember there are people out there who comment on pornhub videos
I don`t understand when people say `age is just a number`... Age is clearly a word.
Jail is just the government`s way of sending you to your room.
You win some, you lose some...unless you`re me, then you win them all.
Just saw two homeless guys hitting each other with a piece of cardboard................PILLOW FIGHT!!!!!!
If by time, you mean vodka, then yes, time does heal all wounds.
If you kept one of those jars where I`d have to put in a quarter every time I swore, you would be a billionaire by the end of the week.