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To be honest, I panic a bit right before I have to pronounce Worcestershire sauce.
My 4-year-old thinks the 5-second rule means he can eat anything off the floor if he waits 5-seconds first. That M&M was from last Easter.
Muffins – for people who don’t have the guts to order cake for breakfast.
If I could choose any one mythological creature to become alive & real, I`d have to pick…My girlfriend.
The best way to scare a man is to use the urinal stall next to him. This works exceptionally well if you are a woman.
When God closes a door, it usually has my fingers in it.
How come "you`re a peach" is a complement but "you`re bananas" is an insult? Why are we allowing fruit discrimination to tear society apart?
Does anyone actually know what you have to do when people are singing Happy Birthday to you.
I went to open a can of Whoop-Ass but it had a child-proof lid.
I eat tacos over a tortilla so that way when stuff falls out Boom another taco.
don`t kiss the monitor, just ask me nicely..
If I had to describe myself in one word it would be "doesn`t know how to follow directions."
I robbed a bank yesterday....now the question is, what to do with all that sperm....
If I were the guy who made the Where`s Waldo books I would have totally made a page where Waldo wasn`t there
Most days I think I understand women, but then the alcohol wears off.