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Got my friend a Starbucks gift card. 2 weeks later I get a call. They said hey Dean, u put any money on this Starbucks gift card. I said no it´s a gift card. That´s the beauty of it u can put as much money on it as u want.
Hump Day!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Yes, I know how to shut up. I just don´t know when.
The sole purpose of a child`s middle name, is so he can tell when he`s really in trouble.
Pool party at my house, bring ur own pool..
We should have a way of telling people their breath stinks without hurting their feelings like: “Well I’m bored, let’s go brush our teeth.”
If alcohol kills millions of brain cells, how come it never killed the ones that made me want to drink?
You know your old when your back goes out more than you do.
Just realized I have more in common with Garfield than I have with most people
Whatever doesn’t kill me makes me all like, “Whoa! That was close!”
If you think you have problems, remember that Malaysian man who told his wife he was flying to China... and now he can`t get out of his girlfriend`s apartment...
On a scale of 1-10, I give this day a middle finger.
When sitting directly across from someone also using a laptop, I can`t stop myself from telling them, "you sunk my battleship!"
You never truly appreciate Newton’s laws of motion until you’ve sneezed while going to the bathroom.
I usually spend my Mondays texting apologies but I`ve had an alcohol free weekend now I have nothing to do.