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Corn mazes are great because how often does one get to experience the feeling of being trapped by corn
My teen thought it`d be funny to post as me on Facebook. I laughed and laughed and changed the wi-fi password. Good times!
I suffer from paranoid-schizophrenic indifference. I really don`t care what the voices in my head are saying behind my back.
Taking a nap is so risky. Like, when will I wake up? 30 minutes from now? 2 hours? 12 years? No one can be sure.
Karma has no menu. You get served what you deserve.
By the time I realized my parents were right, I had kids that didn`t believe me.
Is it "I febreezed my crotch" or "I febroze my crotch"?
If you can’t laugh at yourself, call me… I’ll do it.
There are no problems which cannot be solved through suitable applications of high explosives.
Have you ever stopped to think, and forgot to start again?
My view on chocolate: God’s way of saying, “No hard feelings,” to those of us who aren’t getting any.
With so many things coming back in style, I can`t wait until morals and intelligence become a trend again.
Son, you don`t get anything in life without trying hard and working for it. Now be quiet, there about to announce the lottery results...
If House of Cards has taught me anything it’s that I need a friend who owns a rib place.
Skinny people are bitches. Probably because they`re hungry.