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I keep forgetting how bad my memory has become..
Just saw the book "Marriage for Dummies." ... Shouldn`t there be an "is" in there somewhere?
If you think your wife has a great sense of humor, try leaving a trail of rose petals leading to a sink full of dirty dishes. Not the best idea a man ever had ;)
I don`t understand fat homeless people. What are you eating? Broken hopes and dreams?
I need an emoticon that’s stabbing another emoticon in the eye with a pen while repeatedly punching it in its little emoticon balls.
Walmart made plans to hire 100,000 U.S. Veterans. Which can only mean one thing: Walmart is going to invade Costco.
It’s amazing how long you can hold your farts at the beginning of a relationship.
Who needs Halloween decorations when I can just put up my selfies?
You post all of your drama on Facebook. Then get upset when people judge you? You must be a special kind of stupid.
LIKE if you hide your favorite food from your family
Surveys say 1 out of every 2 people suck at math. It`s terrible that 80% of the population can`t even do the easiest calculations.
What do we want? An end to auto-correct errors! When do we want it? Cow! Sow! Bow! Tow! Duck this...
Just think, there is an entire generation of idiots who will wonder: "Why did they have a hashtag button on landline phones?"
I party like a rockstar. A very poor rockstar who isn`t in a band.
The iPad: Because the iPhone was too small for other people to notice you.