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Listening to your wife is like reading the terms and conditions of a website. Sometimes you understand nothing, and still you say..."I Agree".....!
One person forgetting to take their medication can really liven up a mundane day at the office.
Why isn’t our beer color coordinated for all holiday occasions, instead of just St. Patricks Day?
I have NEVER faked a sarcasm in my life ;)
My mother suggested that I get professional help... and that`s when I hired my first hooker.
When Life rains on your parade, get out the Slip-n-Slide.
Your cat doesn`t love you. If it were bigger it would eat you.
People are so predictable..I bet you`re even reading this status right now.
Fact: Turtles can breathe through their butts. And I thought I had bad morning breath.
Go home Polar Vortex....yer drunk.
I will pay good money to anyone who can take me from work, make it look like an abduction and tuck me back into bed.
I don’t know why you put your boat in Sh!t Creek to begin with.
A guy had his whole left side torn off, the doctor said he`s all right.
Why get married? Just pick a girl you hate and buy her a house.
Facebook Proves: That if Family had the Option... they`d Delete ya.