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As a kid, i was afraid of the dark. Now as an adult, I love the dark because I am terrified of the electrical bill.
Girls are like guitars: easy to strum, hard to tune
Hard work never killed anyone but why risk it?
More often than not, the excitement of a Facebook friend request dies upon discovering who it is.
If it weren’t for physics and law enforcement, I’d be unstoppable.
Here hold my dignity, I`ve got some sketchy shit to do.
My Ex updated her status to "standing on the edge of a cliff" So I "poked" her!
I take so many things with a grain of salt that I`m surprised I don`t have high blood pressure.
My grandma told me her joints are getting weaker, so I told her to roll them tighter.
Social media is great if you like socializing without wearing pants.
Sometimes after many years of marriage, you just look at your wife and wonder how she stayed with you this long without you killing her.
I am not particularly bad at cooking but how long is pasta supposed to stay in the toaster ?
Do me a favor if someone tells you they don`t like me , tell them I don`t like them either.
Doctor: How`s your headache? Me: She`s out of town.
How dumb is that family if Mrs. Doubtfire can fool them a second time?