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Giving my wife a bikini wax for the first time. Should I wake her up or just let it be a surprise?
I love running my fingers through my girlfriend`s hair. It`s also a great way to let her know we`re out of napkins.
Women can brutally and methodically destroy your life. But they let you see their tits along the way so it`s totally cool.
Nothing screams DUI like wearing a really nice suit on a city bus.
Girlfriend said she felt she looked fat, tired, and ugly. Said she needed a compliment. I told her that her eyesight was nearly flawless.
Worrying: a waste of imagination.
I just got a paper cut opening a box of Pop Tarts. There will be no more fancy breakfasts around here.
I was told that I had an alcohol problem, but I think me and Captain Morgan have it figured out..
There`s a big difference between a mechanic and a surgeon when they work on a tranny.
Our brain took two billion years to evolve. Two billion trips around the Sun. All so humans can use it to look at kittens on the Internet.
I hate it when TV shows say they contain "adult situations" but then don`t show anyone going to work, paying their bills or cleaning up their kid`s vomit.
Hash browns not tags.
My ex said he would die for me. All I`m saying is, it was his suggestion.
If ghosts existed, why are they all apparently from the last 100 years or so? Wouldn’t there be evidence of a Neanderthal ghost here and there?
Don’t you hate when the person you’re Facebook-stalking never updates anything.