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A woman is quick to reject a man that lives with his mother, but will accept a man that lives with his wife.
you need a license to drive, but anyone can have a kid.
I can totally relate to cranky elderly people. I mean you can only be nice for so long!
I`ll bet the guy who invented the snooze button never invented anything else.
A fun way to give your man a little scare is to ask him, "Do you know what tomorrow is?" and watch the panic set in.
I won’t come to your party unless you have an animal I can spend the whole time hanging out with.
I’m giving up on the silent treatment. ...Going to start talking to myself again.
If you read the instructions carefully, the first step to making any microwavable lunch is to throw away the box and dig it out of the trash.
When wearing a logo or clever t-shirt, make sure your rack looks good. No one likes reading stuff on a lumpy, wavy surface. You too, ladies.
The first guy who persuaded a blind guy to wear sunglasses, must have been a hell of a salesman.
Seriously, You accidentally catch six kitchen towels on fire and all of a sudden you can`t go in the kitchen alone anymore.
1st woman on the Moon.. Houston we have a problem What? Never mind What`s the problem? Nothing Please tell us? You know what the problem is.
Just sneezed 8 times in a row and saw the entrance to Narnia for a split second.
Getting that beach body is easy. You just have to know where to dig.
I used to think I was good at multi-tasking. Turns out it’s just my multiple personalities doing one task at a time.