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I wish someone would steal my identity, fix it and and give it back...
It`s so hard to find obedient minions
If I ran my legs as much as I did my mouth, I`d be in fantastic shape.
Turbo Tax might just be the worst video game I`ve ever played.
Do gun manuals haue a trouble shooting section?
Whoever said "sticks and stones may break your bones but words will never hurt you" has obviously never been hit with a dictionary.
My brain has too many tabs open.
Don`t hate me because I`m beautiful. Hate me because your man thinks I am.
Idea: maybe the police force for a town of 20,000 shouldn`t have access to weapons you ordinarily need cheat codes to get
Life is like a teenager`s p@nis. some are short, some are long, but it is always hard.
Your parents taught you to wash your hands after you pee. My parents taught me not to pee on my hands in the first place.
I like it when everyone posts on Facebook what they are cooking for diner...it makes my decision on who to drop in on so much easier.
The best part of being single is that you always get to be right.
Just once, I would like to wake up, turn on the news, and hear... "Monday has been canceled, go back to sleep."
If I say "I don`t know, let me look", I`m really just spinning around in my chair a few times while you`re on hold.