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Wanna know what it`s like being married? Chain yourself to a wild animal. Now kick the animal.
People who try to test my patience don`t realize it`s an exam I don`t plan on passing
Having kids is like continually cleaning up after a huge party that you didn`t attend.
If going to church has taught me anything, it is that Catholics hate unexpected pterodactyl impressions.
A plus side to being my friend is that you can come to my house in your pajamas and I won’t judge you because I too will be in my pajamas.
Give a kid a Pop Tart and they eat for a day. Teach a kid how to make a Pop Tart and you sleep in all summer
How many selfies does it take to get to the center of attention?
Commence six months of the clock in my car being wrong.
Cars should come with two horns: one that’s like “Hey guys!” & another that’s like “I will end you!”
Our neighbor said he wouldn`t mind me stealing their newspaper if I would at least put a robe on first.
Always keep a bottle of wine in the fridge for special occasions. You know…like Thursday.
My penis was in the Guinness book of World Records. Then the librarian told me I had to take it out before she called security.
We all just sat there and watched as Pepe Le Pew tried to rape that cat. Shame on us.
How many days in a row do you have to wear the same clothes until you’re legally a cartoon?
has a drinking problem...I can`t afford it