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The 5 second rule for food dropped on the ground does not work if you have a 2 second dog.
The first guy who bought pants had to go to the store without pants on, that`s just science.
I`m too lazy to be a stalker. You`ll have to come here. Bring coffee.
Nice try, blocked number but I don`t even answer the phone for people I know.
Marriage is just a 50 year long negotiation over thermostat settings.
Before meeting a hot chick, wish I could talk to the dude who`s sick of her bullsh!t.
I like to smile at people who don`t like me because I`m an asshole
The best stories ever told always end with the words”…and then I got the hell out of there.”
If I weren´t such an alcoholic I would throw my drink in your face
Hoodie Footie Pajamas from Pajamagram; because nothing tells a girl you love her like giving her something to cover up her body from head to toe before she gets in your bed.
Go ahead caller 9!!
Its too damn early. Even the voices in my head are still snoring.
If you start smacking people with your wife`s purse she won`t ask you to hold it for her anymore
I don`t hate you, but I hope you fall in love and get married.
Anyone else pretend to work all day while thinking about big boobs instead?