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At what point in potty training do you give the child a toy smartphone?
Logging in to Facebook has become the equivalent of opening the fridge door and staring inside even though you`re not hungry.
If it doesn`t include antidepressants, they shouldn`t call it a Happy Meal.
Caterpillars have the ideal life. They eat a lot and then sleep for a while and wake up beautiful.
You bring everyone a lot of joy ... when you leave the room.
She might not be the best looking girl here, but beauty`s only a light switch away.
Thanks to Facebook, rock bottom now has a waiting list.
Zombies only eat brains. You’re safe.
So Monday and Tuesday sucked. But, with the right mix of caffeine, alcohol and mushrooms, Wednesday doesn´t even have to happen at all.
If a$$holes could fly, this place would be an airport
I learned two important lessons today. I can`t remember the first lesson, but the second one is I have to start writing things down.
No thanks, NASCAR. If I wanted to spend 8 hrs watching a car drive around in a big circle, I`d go on a road trip with my mom.
A homeless man told me he hadn`t had a bite in weeks, so I bit him.
I’d steal a doughnut truck and attempt to outrun the cops, just to let people see a bunch of cops chasing a doughnut truck!