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Jehovah`s witnesses don`t celebrate Halloween. I guess they don`t appreciate random people coming up to their doors.
My favorite moment is the 5 minutes every day when coffee overlaps with wine.
Of course I talk to myself. Sometimes I need expert advise.
My last relationship was a lot like The Notebook. It felt like it lasted forever and we both wanted to die towards the end.
Girls probably spend more time thinking about what men think than men actually spend thinking.
No YouP*rn… I do not want to play poker, I’m at work for crying out loud.
Are you always this stupid? or are you just making special effort today...
If you just show up to a delivery room in scrubs and carry a video camera you can usually film like 7 or 8 births before they throw you out
So apparently RSVP`ing back to a wedding invite `maybe next time` isn`t the correct response
I was going to exercise this morning, but then all the sprinkles would fall off my cupcake.
When someone rings the doorbell I say to my kids, "I think it`s Santa Claus!" so I don`t have to get up.
The naked truth, is always better than someone’s best dressed lie.
Im just waiting for the day for Ashton Kutcher to go to Charlie Sheen and say "its stilll your show. YOU JUST BEEN PUNK`D!"
i made a chicken salad the other day. little bastard didn`t even eat it.
I`m just amazed after all these years that we STILL haven`t seen Mario`s buttcrack.