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Tip: When you’re not famous, people don’t let you pay for things with an autographed napkin.
I told my 4-year-old she couldn`t open any candy yet. So she ate a Tootsie Roll with the wrapper still on it. That kid is a problem solver.
Well bugger... Just realised the plant ive been watering for 2 years is fake.
Thank God I still have 20 days to achieve my goal of "going to the gym in 2013."
Does eating a gas station hot dog counts as a suicide attempt.
Despite the old saying, "Don`t take your troubles to bed", many women still sleep with their husbands.
Amnesia sounds so relaxing.
Vegetarian is an old Native American word for bad hunter.
I ordered some bubble wrap online. It arrived in a box surrounded by packing peanuts.
If you can’t be a good example, then you’l just have to serve as a horrible warning
Every so often, I try to fornicate a large word into conversation, even if I’m not sure what it means
u cant spell awesome without me
There should be an "oh my god, shut up already" button.
Of all the people who "claim" not to give a sh!t, I`m pretty sure the guy standing barefoot in front of the urinal at the gym is the winner.
I’d steal a doughnut truck and attempt to outrun the cops, just to let people see a bunch of cops chasing a doughnut truck!