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There`s a time and place for wine, In my hand and now.
I`m not much on seizing the day, I just kinda poke it with a stick.
Remember the good old days when making the “duck face” involved 2 Pringles?
There is a special place in hell for people who are not ready to order when it`s their turn.
I believe in looking out for number one. Especially if the dog is not house trained.
Children: You spend the first 2 years of their life teaching them to walk and talk. Then you spend the next 16 years telling them to sit down and shut-up.
I`m curious: Do girls shake the gasoline nozzle when they`re taking it out of their cars too?
Flash mobs are so not what I thought. Now I`ve gotta go find my clothes.
Thoughts of you make my demons nervous.
Mom: Clean your room. We`re having guests over for dinner. Me: I didn`t realize that dinner will be held in my room.
Seriously contemplating remarrying my ex wife, but I`m pretty sure she`ll figure out that I`m just after my money
Neighbors at it again. I do NOT want to know the words to "Wrecking Ball" by Miley Cyrus!
A girl phoned me the other day and said “Come on over, there’s nobody home.” I went over. Nobody was home.
If there`s a "Mr." in front of your cat`s name you`re going to die alone.
Not to brag, but I still owe Blockbuster $2.00 for not rewinding Weekend at Bernies.