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Tomorrow I will live in the moment, unless it`s unpleasant, in which case I will eat a cookie.
I keep trying to avoid trouble but I think it likes me.
So I didn`t want to wake up this morning and go to work. It`s not that I don`t like my job, it`s just that I like being lazy more.
New Subway rule: You must give the person in front of you a wedgie if they take more than 5 seconds to choose what kind of bread they want.
So she asked me "Do these pants make my butt look big?" And I said, "Not at all dear .. its the fat that does that." So now I´m single again.
The only way I know if I’ve bought enough beer is if my car thinks I have a passenger.
You can dress for success or undress for it. It depends on what type of work you want.
I`m not saying you`re an idiot. I`m just saying that....Umm how do I word this?? I guess I am saying your`e an idiot.
I don`t have a drinking problem ... I`m just really thirsty.
It`s pretty neat how owning a pool gives me an excuse to own every chemical needed to make a body completely disappear.
I wish I could forget you as easy as I forget my passwords.
This coworker is about to find out walking around smiling on a Monday always leads to workplace accidents.
Irony. The opposite of wrinkly.
Laughing is the best medicine. But if you’re laughing for no reason, you need medicine.
Life is basically just a constant effort to not be disgusting.