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I hate those idiots with those bright halogen lights that are blinding, at least they can see my one finger salute.
Most problems can be solved with nudity
All guys should learn from Mario Bros. No matter how far their princess is, they should go after her.
The amount of people who confuse "to" and "too" is amazing two me.
Insomnia causes questionable browser history.
I don`t care how much you liked the soap - NEVER be caught smelling your fingers while walking out of a public restroom.
"Please don`t do this." - my voice mail greeting
Attractive Woman: What time is it? Me: Haha. Yeah definitely
When I see a hot girl walking by, I like to look at her and blink very fast and repeatedly so it looks like shes walking in slow motion. Everything is better in slow motion =)
Every time I visit my parents, I send the kids in first so they can signal me if it`s an intervention.
TRUE FRIENDSHIP: Walking into a persons house and your wifi connects automatically.
Are you supposed to get an email that says “HAHAHAHAHA” after signing up for Match.com?
Depresso; the feeling you get when you’ve run out of coffee.
I don`t blame Congress. If I had $600 billion, I`d be irresponsible too.
No one texts faster than a gossiping woman.