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I’m sorry I’m late. I saw a drawing of the sun wearing sunglasses and spent 4 hours wondering what the f**k he was protecting his eyes from.
Unlike milk, it is perfectly ok to cry over spilled whiskey.
I don`t like making plans for the day, because then the pesky word "premeditated " gets thrown around in court.
Is life fair? Short answer, no. Long answer, nooooooo.
It`s fun to leave a note on the windshield of an expensive car saying sorry I smashed it, but I fixed it so well that you can`t tell.
I don`t always get to drink free beer... But I just happen to know my neighbor went to the night shift, and I saw him filling his fridge today.
Why would you live in a place where the air hurts your face?
I haven`t talked to my wife in three weeks. I didn`t want to interrupt her.
For all the parents with kids starting school I just want to say congratulations. You made it through another summer without killing your children!! I am proud of you all!!
I am not saying you are stupid, because I thought you already knew
Asian gangs, also known as study groups...
It would serve me better if they put shopping carts in the middle of the store where my pride realizes I have too much sh!t to carry.
I stop at random Jehovah`s Witness houses and drop off copies of Rolling Stone.
Boobs make me forget about all the bad things in the world.
Yo fellas, how did that “wow” comment you left on that girls Facebook picture play out?