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Stumbled into bed late last night. "You`re drunk," she said. "Also, you live next door."
When riding in an elevator, be sure to push all the buttons. Your fellow riders will appreciate the fact that you thought of everyone.
You know nothing about a woman, until she is drunk and mad at you.
My favorite sexual position is pretty much any of them. I`m just glad to be involved.
Day 8. You should be thankful that I`m medicated
Sharing your faith on Facebook is like sharing a fart in a elevator. It might feel nice to come out but no one really wants to hear it.
The most powerful I ever feel is waving pedestrians to walk in front of my car. “Go forth, and trust that I will not kill you.”
No Shirt No Shoes No Service. What about pants?
Lets watch a reality show about nasty rednecks acting like rednecks, but get mad when one of them says something a redneck would say
As I got older my six-pack turn into a keg.
Happy 4/21! National work drug testing day!
When people ask me for advice, I tell them, “Use your best judgment,” which they clearly don’t have if they are asking me for advice.
I hate it when I tell someone I`ll be there in 10 minutes, but they continue to call me every half-hour anyway
I wish there was a way to find out how many boners you’ve caused in a lifetime, I wanna check my stats.
ooooh boy, Mother`s Day hangovers...always the worst huh?!