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Reasons to get out of bed: Food.
Common sense is like deodorant; those that need it most, don’t use it.
Starting to believe I`m trouble
I still water my dead plants every 3 months. Just in case...
Whenever our neighbor`s dog is barking, I know there`s either someone at their door or literally anything else in the universe has happened.
Golf would be a lot more fun to watch on TV if the balls were on fire
I`m giving up abbreviations for Lent. Laugh Out Loud
I was stood in front of the mirror last night, admiring my six pack. Then it occurred to me, why the f*ck am I not drinking it?
Dont you find it Funny that after Monday(M) and Tuesday(T), the rest of the week says WTF?
What idiot named them jet skis instead of boatercycles
I think my mailman is stealing my Nigerian lottery checks.
SEX! Now that I got your attention. I just wanted to say, "Have a great weekend!"
I want to live in a world where it’s never too late for breakfast food and never too early for pizza.
Mirror mirror on the wall, I am sexy; screw you all.
I wonder if there`s a margarita somewhere out there thinking about me, too.