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The voices in my head tell me not to listen to the voices in my head, and now I don`t know who to listen to anymore
I drive everywhere but for some reason my shoes still wear out, it’s like there’s just no reward for laziness.
Are the ATF and border patrols also shutdown? Asking for a Mexican friend....
When you upload photos to Fb, i`d appreciate it if you tagged your hot friends ... It makes stalking them MUCH easier, thank you!
You know you`re getting old when bending over is a one-way trip.
People who say 45 minutes past the hour must be the same ones who have kids 89 and 63 month olds
I just decorated my bedroom to look like my desk at work so I can fall sleep faster.
Seems like we would be just fine with about half as many types of pasta
I`m no cactus expert, but I know a pr!ck when I see one
are you free tomorrow ?! no I am f**king expensive !!
My wife asked me to load the dishwasher. So I poured her some shots and told her to start drinking. And that`s how the fight started.
Step aside coffee… this is a job for booze.
If other employees are taking four fifteen minutes smoke break a day, I should most certainly be allowed a one hour nap time.
The average woman would rather have beauty than brains, because the average man can see better than he can think.
I’m not always rude. Sometimes I’m sleeping.