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I donate blood 5 times a year just so I`m less and less related to some of my relatives.
If anyone every texts me "who is this" I always respond "Jake from State Farm"
Some days Iād like to take a chainsaw and cut a few branches off my family tree.
According to physics heat makes matter expand.....therefore I don`t have a weight problem....I`m just hot
What does lolz mean...Laugh out loud zebras?
It would serve me better if they put shopping carts in the middle of the store where my pride realizes I have too much stuff to carry.
In the 1960s, if you said "All my music is in the cloud" it was due to mushrooms; not Apple.
The police never think its as funny as you do.
I just wanted to send you a quick note letting you know that you`re in my inappropriate thoughts.
Energy conservation activists would get more attention if they called themselves power rangers.
My insomnia is getting worse. I was wide awake all day at work yesterday.
The only correct answer to the question are you sleeping is no.
First you told me to be myself now you`re telling to me not be an idiot. Make up your mind woman!
Every so often you come across a person who always smiles no matter what, that person is the reason why random bitch slaps should be a thing
Make yourself at home. Clean my kitchen