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I was driving to work this morning and saw a bumper sticker that said, "Jesus is the answer." A few minutes later I saw another bumper sticker that said, "Who farted?" That was the best game of Highway Jeopardy ever!
That horrible feeling you get when you`re not asleep anymore.
New day, same old bullsh!t
I just ran 3.5 miles in 30 minutes! Ha! Just kidding, I ate some ice cream.
Why do people who insult themselves get mad when you agree with them?
Do you ever get that feeling that you are being watched? Because if it is bothering you, I can stop.
Why do crutons come in resealable bags? Are we really worried about them going stale?
Sorry I yelled "April Fool`s" while you were proposing to your girlfriend.
As a man, I honor Christopher Columbus every day of the year by refusing to ask for directions.
If you can read this please let me know – because it means I blocked the wrong person.
The best occupation to work from home as: Bartender.
I think today I`m going to cut off the sleeves of my snuggie and walk around the neighborhood pretending I`m in a Clint Eastwood western movie.
It was so cold that when we milk the cows we got ice cream.
mom- "if you dont have anything nice to say, don`t say anything"
On a scale from 0 to insane I`m batman