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I`ve noticed more and more little kids with cell phones and social networks. What does a kindergartner have to tweet about? "I`m getting better at drawing in the lines!" #cantwaitforstorytime
My wife says "YOU`RE DRUNK!" like it is a bad thing.
I passed a homeless guy who asked "Any change!?" I said "Nope, your still dirty and homeless". We laughed and laughed and then he stabbed me
I am addicted to Cold Turkey. Not sure how I will ever quit that one.
There 492 billionaires in the United States, and not one of those goddamned losers has decided to become Batman.
Look, all I`m saying is if you didnt want me to take my clothes off and do an interpretive dance you should have turned off Michael Jacksons "man in the mirror".
i wish i could sleep ... but my damn A.D.D. kicks in and basically 1 sheep, 2 sheep, cow, turtle, duck, Ol McDonald had a farm, HEEEY Macerena.
they say money cant buy you happiness but id much rather be crying in a fararri...
I just saw a bus that you would look amazing under.
I`m starting to think that the Facebook status update I liked has had absolutely no influence on Government policy at all ...
I was stood in front of the mirror last night, admiring my six pack. Then it occurred to me, why the f*ck am I not drinking it?
The problem with you is ... you exist.
I just heard "Eye of the Tiger" and now I`m motivated to conquer the world. Or at least get out of my pajamas.
Making good decisions doesn’t really go with my outfit.
Just burned 3 calories typing this with my thumb muscles. #fitness