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*Me washing my car* Person: Hey what’s up? Washing your car? Me: No, I’m watering it to see if it’ll grow into a bus.
Last night I dreamed I was eating a giant marshmallow. When I woke up in the morning, my pillow was gone...
Welcome to journalism, where everything is made up, and the sources don`t matter.
Its not my fault if I blame everyone for my mistakes...right?
When I see a guy sleeping on an unfolded cardboard box, I never know if he`s homeless or just tired from breakdancing.
Monday comes saturday ends and somewhere in between i realized i slept the weekend away....):
I miss newspapers. It`s weird hitting a dog on the nose with an iPad.
Talk is cheap, until you hire a lawyer.
No magician can do a trick that impresses me as much as that ‘take off my bra and make it appear out of my sleeve’ thing that girls do.
My friends made fun of me for buying this flamethrower, but at least I don`t have to shovel snow this weekend.
I`ve decided to take some time off Facebook so I can focus on work and, ok, I`m back
I keep an identical glass of vodka next to the glass of water on my bedside table for a refreshing morning game of Russian Roulette
When girls flash its called, "girls gone wild" when men flash its call ... "America`s most wanted"
Wonders why there´s an ice cream truck for kids but not a frozen Margaurita truck for adults?
I feel like we really lowered our expectations of what constitutes magic when we began using it to describe markers