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that awkard moment when someone`s laugh is actually funnier than the joke
I just realized that if we drink enough wine, the adult`s table will become the kid`s table.
I`ll call it a "smart phone" the day I yell, "Where`s my freaking phone?!" and it answers, "I`m here! Under your jacket!"
This is the earliest I have ever been late.
Shout out to bees, willing to kill themselves just to inconvenience a hater.
I often confuse reptiles and amphibians. Actually, if I`m being brutally honest, they pretty much never know what I`m talking about
I`m so broke, if somebody tried to rob me right now, they would just be practicing.
I wonder if the psycho hitchhiker ever gets picked up by the psycho driver. Now there`s a movie I`d pay to see.
A lot of people cry when they chop onions. The trick is not to form an emotional bond.
I don`t get why people find drunk text annoying
Being a parent means hiding in a closet to eat a donut so you don`t have to share.
Thanks for posting another selfie. I completely forgot what you looked like 24 hours ago.
Behind every great man is a woman rolling her eyes and sighing heavily and crossing her arms and holding in a fart.
I just hope my stalker doesn`t tell my dentist how infrequently I floss.
Considering this is the land of the free, stuff is pretty damn expensive.