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Look UPS guy, you can`t just show up at someone`s house unannounced and expect them to have pants on.
How to tell if a woman is mad at you: 1.She`s quiet 2.She`s yelling 3.She acts the same 4.She acts different 5.She murdered you
Unless you fell off the treadmill and smacked your face, nobody wants to hear about your workout.
I had 3 happy meals today and none of them worked.
Basketball would be a lot more exciting if each team was allowed one bear.
My boss called me lazy and said I had poor communication skills... I almost responded
I think salads help you lose weight because they`re gross and you end up not eating them
I`m at the age where an "all-nighter" just means I didn`t have to get up to pee.
Fitness nuts have to do an entire marathon to feel a runner`s high..... I just have to bend over and tie my shoes.
My worst ideas have all either started or ended with having no pants on.
If you have alphabet fridge magnets, and morals. You probably shouldn`t invite me over.
I stopped paying my car payments to concentrate on my dream of appearing on a Repo show.
My credit card company says I have an outstanding balance. I was flattered.
Hillary Clinton is running for president. In other news, grass is green and the sun is hot.
Showed the kids here how to eat corn-on-the-cob typewriter style........ Now explaining typewriter.