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I am a very tolerant person until you think differently than me. Then I act like a spoiled little brat.
What`s a burnt pizza, frozen beer, & a pregnant girl have in common? In each scenario, there`s a dumb guy who didn`t take it out in time.
I checked into a hotel this weekend. I told the girl I hoped the porn channel was disabled. She said "No, its just regular porn, you sicko"
Mothers never really understand the irony of calling their children "come here you son of a bitch"
Guys that try to pick up girls on facebook are pathetic. Girls if you agree, message me your number so we can talk about it.
I love my six pack so much, I protect it with a layer of fat.
I have decided to leave my past behind me.. so If I owe you money..I’m sorry. but I’ve moved on.
I opened a bottle of wine to let it breathe. It didn`t. So I gave it mouth to mouth.
If you have alphabet fridge magnets, and morals. You probably shouldn`t invite me over.
A bachelor party is a lot more appropriate after a divorce than before a wedding.
I think I`ve finally found someone I could spend the rest of my life with, I should probably get out of her closet and introduce myself.
If you can`t read the bottom of the eye chart, spell something dirty. Eye doctors love that sh!t.
From what I can piece together, this Pitbull character enjoys "partying"
Hell is having a married couple tell you a story at the same time.
I bet there are muppets that have thought about shanking Elmo.