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If my calculations are correct then someone else did them for me.
I love running my fingers through my girlfriend`s hair. It`s also a great way to let her know we`re out of napkins.
What’s the difference between a politician and a flying pig ? The letter F ?
So I just saw a donkey crossing the road. The cool thing was he looked both ways before crossing. What a smart a$$.
we should drop off a car at the police station before going out tonight so we can drive home in the morning.
Things I hate about work: 1. Waking up 2. Humans 3. Working
I`m not fat, God gave me built in airbags because I`m so precious.
The grass is always greener over the septic tank
I`m always amazed that when tragedy strikes how quickly people on Facebook become experts on the subject no matter what it is.
Who am I calling stupid?? Good question.... What`s your name?!
It`s impossible to bring up life insurance with your spouse without it seeming like you plan to have them whacked.
When women say “It’s not what’s on the outside, it’s what’s on the inside that counts”, we all know they are talking about a Man’s wallets.
I think I`m funny - but looks aren`t everything
My To-Do list for today is just a bunch of things I wanna eat.
The best thing about my phone screen shattering is that it now matches my dreams and aspirations.