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I wish my mind had a delete button.
I hate situations where I have to acknowledge the people I had been successfully ignoring.
The only thing worse than "the one who got away" is "the one who won`t go away."
It`s just a matter of time before they add the word "Syndrome" after my last name.
I`d like to apologize for getting drunk and making an ass of myself at your Christmas party next week...
It really freaks me out that I have a skeleton living inside me......
I’m simply on reserve for the one who deserves
It`s all sh*ts and giggles till somebody giggles and sh*ts
When the nurse calls my name at the doctor’s office, I like to run through the waiting room like I got called on The Price is Right.
Just printed out 50 copies of today`s weather forecast to carry around with me today because I`m just not in the mood for small talk.
The amount of alcohol I would need to sleep with you, would actually kill me
The correct term for gluten-free, sugarless, vegan brownies is "compost."
I wish the minutes after hitting the snooze button lasted as long as microwave minutes.
You`re right, you didn`t ask that guy for a d!ck pic, but nobody asked for hundreds of pictures of your face either.
Why do people walk by and say "Hi, how are you?" but they don`t stop long enough for you to reply!