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How easily you’re offended is directly proportional to how dumb you are.
is tring to fool people into thinking I have a social life by going offline from Facebook for a few hours.
Next time you go to the bank and they ask you if you`d like large bills, just look at them dead serious and say "No, normal size ones if you don`t mind."
I don`t know who I feel more sorry for.. myself for never being able to find where I parked my car?.. or the poor bastards following me through the parking lot hoping to take my parking space...
Do you ever notice that when you´re driving, anyone going slower than you is an idiot and everyone driving faster than you is a maniac?
I hope the meteorite crash in Russia doesn`t affect the price of Vodka!
Half the lies they tell about me aren`t true
Life before the internet was awful. Your friend would be wrong about a trivial issue during dinner and you just had to let it go
Bowling is my favorite sport because you don`t have to run and there`s beer five feet away.
I never said "you were stupid" I said "you are stupid", there`s nothing past tense about it!
The fact that Google autocompletes all of my questions just reaffirms how unoriginal all my problems are.
I only get religious when scratching off lottery tickets.
If you added up all the time you waste on Facebook, think how much TV you could watch.
I think it’s funny when dogs hide under the bed when they’re scared. I’m like “you idiot, that’s the first place monsters go!
I’m always disappointed when a liar’s pants don’t actually catch on fire.