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He died doing what he loved, annoying the hell out of me and not believing I would stab him.
I just made 3 critical errors: 1. I woke up for work. 2. I went to work. 3. I arrived at work.
Life is not like a box of chocolates. Its more like a jar of jalapeños, what you do today can burn your a$$ tomorrow
It isn`t a successful BBQ until an intoxicated idiot runs face first into a sliding glass door. I`m fine by the way.
I`m as bored as a guy with no arms looking at porn.
Coffee`s a great way to fool yourself into believing you`re going to have a productive day.
Obesity: When you buy a hula-hoop and it fits you.
Wow, I haven`t seen you since the last time I wish I hadn`t seen you
For lent I`m giving up sex, wait I`m not Catholic. Whoa, that was close
If you tickle me, I’m not responsible for your injuries.
Current relationship status: Leaving pizza and beer in the bushes, to lure in stalkers.
Ya know what I really hate about mornings? People start talking to me!
Personal trainer said we`re going to try some dips today. I brought hot salsa and tangy cheese...He hates me.
Divorce... The most common home improvement project.
Happy birthday you motor boatin SOB! Have a great day