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Currently helping my girlfriend look for her chocolates that I ate 5 hours ago...
Do you ever think about sh!t you did in the past and just go why the f*ck did nobody punch me in the face?
lol I rotfl
If you were born in September, it`s pretty safe to assume that your parents started their new year with a BANG
Pandora has spoiled me. Five seconds into any conversation and I`m looking for the thumbs-down button.
Everyone always talks about the early bird. How about the early worm? How´d that work out for him?
I`m thankful for pizza and burgers... and ice cream and bacon and fries and... F*ck it, I`m thankful for food. I love you, food.
Marriage: an expensive way to get your laundry done for free..
Just a reminder that your coworkers aren`t going to get eaten by bears on their own. You have to make that happen. You have to want it.
Yes, autocorrect, that`s right. I hate that stupid ditch
All fortune cookies should just read, "You will have diarrhea for the next 24 hours.
The first 30 years of childhood are always the hardest.
That awkward moment when you take a bath in the middle of the day and don`t know whether to wear normal clothes or pajamas.
I`m Not Perfect. Your Not Perfect. But Together We Can Be a Perfect Sense of Humor LOL!
No need to drive me crazy. I can walk from here.