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To be truthful,,, I have never unrolled a sleeping bag and been able to roll it back up any smaller than the size of a garage.
In the morning instead of having coffee and reading my horoscope, I have coffee and unfriend anyone who posts their horoscope.
A cash bar on parent-teacher conference nights would be a great fundraiser for schools.
After 20 years of marriage, my wife still makes me smile. At least for the pictures...
Do you ever think about sh!t you did in the past and just go why the f*ck did nobody punch me in the face?
Doing the moonwalk is the only way to look cool while wiping dog crap off your shoes.
I`m going to be the first person to land on the sun! I know what your thinking and thats why I will be going at night.
I like long walks on the beach and drives through Taco Bells drive-thru.
I go out all day looking good and saw no one I know. I go out for 5 minutes looking like sh!t and it`s all of the sudden a f*cking reunion.
Before coffee: Hates everybody. After coffee: Feels good about hating everybody.
My neighbors listen to some amazing music… whether they like it or not. ;)
Top three reasons he doesn`t text you back: 1. He`s just not that into you 2. He`s imaginary 3. He`s a cat
If my cats have taught me anything, its how to ignore people.
I like going into McDonald`s and ordering an Egg McMuffin and a McChicken, just to see which one comes first.
I`ve stopped drinking for good. I only drink for evil now.