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There is a fine line between a numerator and a denominator
Here is your New Years Resolution. All of that stupid sh!t you did last year? Don’t do that crap this year. Done. You’re welcome.
My wife even says "NO" in her sleep. The force is strong with this one.
iPhone is really a terrible name considering how rarely I use it as a phone. That`s like if my bed was named iSex.
Last night my wife said to me, “What would you do without me?” Apparently, “Your sister” was the wrong answer.
There’s a thin line between “I should do a status update about that” and “I should talk to a therapist about that”
I`m late on the give thanks every day in November thing... so let me catch up. Days 1-22. I`m thankful for boobs
Junk- something you keep for years and throw away three weeks before you need it.
All I’m saying is you don’t see many neck tattoos on Jeopardy.
Some days should come with a warning label: This day is going to suck, bring alcohol.
If nobody hates you, you are doing something boring.
St Patricks Day, when you can eat lucky charms dowsed in beer and everyone thinks..great idea!
It`s not my fault you thought I was normal.
The original creator of the phrase “common sense” surely didn’t know many people.
Hey ladies, tired of your man complaining about how long it takes you to get ready? Start blow drying your hair in the nude. I promise no more complaints.