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Put that down you fat piece of sh!t` - the title of the dieting book I`m writing.
Try sliding down a water slide without running water to realize how important foreplay is
Why do guys go to bars to meet women? Go to Target. There`s like 10 women to each man and they`re already there looking for things they don`t need.
Lets not get carried away it`s not like McDonalds shutdown
I just realized that the only time I`m good at dancing is when I`m about to pee my pants
The first rule of Women`s fight club is don`t tell anyone what you`re mad about or why you`re fighting.
I overheard 2 girls say there was a creepy dude listening to their conversation.
I feel sorry for people who don`t have dogs. I hear they have to pick up food they drop on the floor.
... and so begins another failed hundred or so attempts at trying to write the correct year on anything I date.
Rap Music is like Scissors…It always loses to Rock.
Expect nothing and you`ll be impressed every day.
The ultimate home security system is just having crappy stuff.
At the young age of 5, a bear told me that I am the only person who can prevent forest fires. Why I was chosen, I’ll never know.
I don`t always do a lot, but I put a lot of thought into it.
I use sarcasm because flat out telling you you’re a moron is considered inappropriate and is frowned upon. And I was raised better than that.