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A pessimist thinks that all women are sluts. An optimist hopes that they are.
I`m not saying women are smarter than men, but it`s kinda ironic that there`s so few known women serial killers and so many unsolved murders.
I’m still waiting for the episode of Storage Wars where there’s a homeless guy living in the unit.
I wish pillsbury would think of another way to open biscuits without giving you a heart attack ;)
Yes it may sound childish but if it glows in the dark I still get freaking exited.
Someday you may lose your hair, you may lose your teeth, your money and even lose your mind. But one thing you will never lose – your good looks, coz you can never lose what you don’t have!
Always thought the 4 words I never wanted to hear from my wife was "I want a divorce". Turns out its actually, "What is your password".
You should get at least 8 hours of beauty sleep... 9 if you`re an ugly bitch...
A simpler, more believable theory is that all the dinosaurs got married and just quit having sex all together.
A lie is a great story that someone ruined with the truth.
Ha, SUCKA`S! I just smuggled a bag of popcorn into the movie theater. Now I just need to borrow their microwave.
One of the things I like to say to a girl after we have sex for the first time is "Hmm, damn weird... I heard you were better."
I used to play sports. Then realized you can buy trophies. Now I´m good at everything.
I try not to laugh at my own jokes. But we all know I`m hilarious.
Whenever someone says “I’m not book smart, but I’m street smart”, all I hear is “I know where you can buy drugs"