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You know your ugly when the dog has to close his eyes to hump your leg
Everyone has fitness goals and I’m over here like, if I burn this many calories I can eat a whole pizza.
My 4-year-old thinks the 5-second rule means he can eat anything off the floor if he waits 5-seconds first. That M&M was from last Easter.
I keep myself in good enough shape to outrun most women and children during emergencies.
Never let the printer know that you are in a hurry.
Nice try "Private Caller", but I wont`t answer even if I know you.
Guys if you ever want to imagine what a woman’s mind feels like imagine a browser with 2,859 tabs open. All. The. F*cking. Time.
Mom: If all your friends jumped off a cliff would you do it too? Me: If all parents used that same metaphor would you use it too?
I love a woman in uniform. I mean naked.
Adding "and sh!t" to the end of a sentence to make it sound cooler and sh!t.
I`m alone in my car ... Counting it as a vacation.
Adam didn`t take any crap from Eve. He wore the plants in that relationship
Do you think all the giraffes sit around and watch Margaret in Nebraska give birth?
Shouting "Not it!" should still make us exempt from doing anything that we don`t feel like doing.
I danced like no one was watching but someone was watching, thought I was having a seizure and called an ambulance