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"Love is all we need."-Said a wise man 40 years ago. He obviously has never had a computer
My wife just said we should have another baby. I hope she didn`t mean together.
!that embarrasing moment when you fake a call then a real one comes...!lol.
I`m so old, I remember when a hashtag was called a pound sign And before that ... we used to play Tic-Tac-Toe on that sh!t.
Let me check my giveashitmeter ... nope nothing.
Maybe Voldemort`s face is flat because he ran into the wrong wall at the train station.
If you`re in your car, go ahead and pick your nose, because the car makes you invisible.
Still hoping that one day I get to ride a kayak while it`s strapped to the top of someone`s car.
Mothers never really understand the irony of calling their children "come here you son of a bitch"
I`d like to give a big shout-out to all my hard of hearing friends!
A fun part of your 40s is waking up thinking you`re hungover, and then remembering, nope, this is just how my body feels now.
Sorry, I can`t delete any of my voicemails cause then people would be able to leave me a new one
Size does matter ... When ordering a pizza
What happens in Vegas stays on Facebook, Instagram, YouTube, Vine, and medical records.
The early bird needs a punch in the throat.