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Just think: right now, your body is cookin` up some poop.
I`m beginning to think the only reason I buy bananas is to watch them die a painful death on my counter.
If you surround yourself with people funny enough to make you laugh till your abs hurt, you’ll never have to work out!
Dropping a can of soda and sticking it back in the fridge all shaken up for the next person to open is not nearly as funny when you live by yourself.
If intelligent people don’t start having babies as fast as the trash in “honey boo boo”, we’re headed for a very dumb future. Am I the only one that sees this?!
Arguing politics is like trying to convince someone that their baby isn`t cute.
On a scale of 1 to "Get out you`re fired" where does napping at work rank?
My Girlfriend wanted a cat. I didn`t want a cat. So we compromised and we got a cat...
The only thing alcohol can`t cure is alcoholism.
I`ll bet I`m the only one in this grocery store with "sh!t for tacos" on my shopping list.
This is probably the best idea I`ve had yet! -me, right before I do something stupid
Always love a woman for her personality. They have like 10, so you can choose.
Ain`t no sunshine when she`s gone..... or sandwiches.... Ain`t no sandwiches either.
You washed your hands? Be honest. Your hands washed each other, and you just watched like a sick freak.
I found a penny today that reminded me of you. Totally worthless and always in a stranger`s pants.