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I always keep a google search for "how to find anyone, anywhere, and kill them" open on my phone in case anyone steals it.
Those friends who like and at the same time unlike my statuses please you`re increasing my blood pressure!
Every semicolon I have ever used has been a complete guess
I never tell god how big my problems ,,, I tell my problems how big my god is
MAY` contain nudity? Either it does or it doesn`t. DON`T WASTE MY TIME
Went for a mile run today. Stupid Ice Cream Man just kept driving even though I was waving my money in the air!
props to the parent at the mall that walked up afterward to ask santa what his kid wanted lol
When I say “wow, that’s crazy”, 99 percent of the time, it means I haven’t been listening to a word of your conversation.
I used to play sports. Then realized you can buy trophies. Now I´m good at everything.
CPR is the human version of blowing in to a video game cartridge hoping it`ll work again.
When someone tries to tell me they can`t do something, I`m like "you ever hear of the Power of Grayskull?"
Going to the skate park to watch people fall.
I don`t get women. Also, I don`t understand them.
That`s it!! I`m never drinking again until tomorrow.
This Facebook is my serious account. The funny one is my bank account.