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I told my wife I wanted to be cremated. She made me an appointment for tomorrow afternoon.
It is hard to imagine how people showed their anger before doors were invented.
I just burned 1200 calories! I forgot about the pizza in the oven.
One of these days I`m going to get help for my procrastination problem.
Men, if a woman is upset, hold her and tell her how beautiful she is. If she starts to growl, retreat to a safe distance and throw chocolate at her.
Unless you fell off the treadmill and smacked your face, nobody wants to hear about your workout.
Do you remember that creepy guy who stood behind you on a train 6 years ago and was smelling your hair? Hi!
I miss the old days when street gangs asserted their dominance through aggressive hair combing.
I only support ghost hunting if you need the ghost for food.
Screw doing situps...teddy bears don`t and everyone loves them.
Wish there were more love songs about naps and liqour.
I danced like no one was watching but someone was watching, thought I was having a seizure and called an ambulance
I am not lazy, I`m on power saving mode
I snuck popcorn into the movie theatre but they won`t let me use their microwave.