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Before I die, I`m putting fake treasure maps behind all my picture frames.
I saw a poor old lady fall over today, at least I presume she was poor, she only had $ 1,20 in her purse
I have a bumper sticker that says "Honk if you think I`m sexy!" Then I just sit at green lights until I feel better about myself!
Why is this dude chatting with Jake from State Farm at three in the morning anyhow?
My mother suggested that I get professional help... and that`s when I hired my first hooker.
I tried to open a can of WhoopAss,, but it popped like a can of biscuits and scared me.
Funny word combinations :Clearly misunderstood, Exact estimate, Small crowd, Act naturally, Found missing, Fully empty and above all ... Happily Married
I just saw a squirrel dragging a wine bottle bag up a tree ... I think I found my spirit animal.
I`m one step away from being rich, all I need now is money.
Don’t judge me until you’ve walked a mile with my shoes….shoved up your a$$.
I was asked what I would give the woman who has everything? Well...my phone number for a start
Now reached the age where getting lucky is what happens when I can remember where I set my glasses down at
Bored? Simply send a text message to a random number saying..."I`m Pregnant!"
Cooking tip of the day: Rub your eyes BEFORE you dice the jalapenos...