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Just once I`d like to yell, "Don`t you know who I am?!" because I`m important, not because I`m drunk and actually forgot.
If you tell someone your Birthday and they automatically know your astrological sign, run as fast as you can away from them.
Maybe the reason Uncle Phil hated Will was because the first thing Will gave him was a $3700 cab ride bill from Philly to Bel-Air.
Has anyone donated any money to ALS? All these ice bucket challenges I been seeing makes me think ... you all some cheap bastards
Doing some caroling! All by myself. In people`s backyards. In the bushes. Very little singing. Mostly watching. -Bfanch
Is life fair? Short answer, no. Long answer, nooooooo.
The doctors say im going to be ok. I must warn you the dyson ball cleaner has a very misleading name.
I quit my job and handed in my badge and gun to my boss, he said, why do you have a gun? You work at McDonald’s.
You don`t know broke until you`ve rinsed off a paper plate.
Those who tell you not to run with scissors are just trying to steal your scissors. Run.
I keep an identical glass of vodka next to the glass of water on my bedside table for a refreshing morning game of Russian Roulette
Making good decisions doesn’t really go with my outfit.
I don`t think we appreciate this era enough. For instance, none of us will see old photos of our moms whoring it up on Instagram.
I’ve yet to be intimidated by a fancy wine list thanks to my vast knowledge of fine wines and my eeny, meeny, miny, moe system.
Sometimes when I’m feeling lonely, I head on over to Best Buy and pretend to know nothing about my phone.