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Insomnia is very common. Try not to lose any sleep over it.
Life is harder for the beautiful people. I’m sorry you’ll never know.
Sunglasses: allowing you to stare at people without getting caught. It`s like Facebook in real life.
Ever notice how the automatic flush sensors in public restrooms kinda look like hidden cameras?
With the right person, you can talk about absolutely nothing for hours & feel like you spoke about everything.
Maybe it`s the washer and not the dryer that steals the socks.
My Viagra addiction was the hardest time of my life.
If the cigarette tax is meant to discourage smoking, is the income tax meant to discourage working?
Just completed a 0.00 mile run - preceded by 11 oreo cookies
I eat bananas with a fork, so I don`t look gay.
"Is that a car alarm going off? Someone must be trying to steal it, I better call the police!" - literally no one ever
My "To Do" list today only had one entry: "Nothing". And it took me all day to finish it!
Pro Tip: If you knock on the door to a bathroom stall and someone says "one second," wait more than one second before entering.
Has anybody seen my keys? they`re awesome.
You know what’s funny? Lots of sh!t so lighten the f*ck up.