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My insurance company said if my tent is stolen while I`m camping, I won`t be covered.
I`m an optimist. I didn`t lose a sock in the dryer. I found an extra one!
Before meeting a hot chick, wish I could talk to the dude who`s sick of her bullsh!t.
If you´re a millionaire and you don´t have trampoline floors or a giant slide that goes from your bed to an olympic sized indoor pool, then you should just give me all of your money because you´re wasting it.
I`m watching a show about surviving in the wild in case I ever decide to log off and go outside.
I`m so hot I stalk myself ;)
If I hit snooze 3 times it should automatically send an email to my boss saying I`ll be out sick.
Does the 5 second rule apply to soup? Please answer quickly!
People should be required to pay an extra dollar for every syllable of their coffee order.
MIDDLE EAST: How can we stop ISIS? EUROPE: How can we save our economy? AMERICA: What color is this dress?!
I always buy a Get Well Soon card for the couple who invites me to their wedding.
Remember to always be yourself. Unless you suck.
A morning text from me doesn`t mean "good morning". It means "I`m having very dirty thoughts about you right now".
Fart when people hug you. It makes them feel strong.
I think girls secretly enjoy putting guys in the friend zone