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Just found some old sex coupons I got from an ex for my b-day. Any of you ladies take competitor`s coupons?
My wife said she expects the house to be clean by the time she walks in the door so I changed all of the locks.
"I have to go eat cake now", should be a perfectly valid reason for leaving a social occasion where cake has not been provided.
Just once I’d like to see someone dropkick the guy grinning and waving behind the news reporter.
What happened to all the Sour Patch parents?
My bank account is more like a countdown to my homelessness
Always thought the 4 words I never wanted to hear from my wife was "I want a divorce". Turns out its actually, "What is your password".
Sometimes you can just tell it`s going to be a "Does not play well with others" kind of day.
There is no evidence that exists that life should be taken seriously.
Sarcasm is funnier when used on people who don`t understand it.
i only drink on days that end with y
A recent study found that the average American walks about 900 miles a year. Another study found that Americans drink, on average, 22 gallons of alcohol a year. That means that, on average, Americans get about 41 miles to the gallon!
Technically, if you don`t cut the cake, it`s still just one slice.
I will admit, my statuses sound a bit different when read aloud by the prosecuting attorney.
If you’re telling me to relax, it’s probably your fault that I’m not.