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I hate it when the credit card bills come in and I have to have sex with my husband.
Valentines Day is the only day of the year that the guy with the smallest package gets the girl.
I`d like to thank (you know who) for the (you know what) I`ll talk to you later (you know where) and if I don`t (you know why).
*Learns sign language to keep arguing with boyfriend while giving the silent treatment*
Like my therapist always says, "I`m not your therapist, you`re just laying on a couch in Ikea"
There`s no use worrying about things you can`t control. Except for bodily functions...Hopefully you can control THEM. :/
Appearing on several episodes of Cops doesn`t make you a TV star.
If a woman repeats what you just said in the form of a question, you`ll be dead soon.
Maybelline claims to make eyelashes appear three times longer…..I think they should start making condoms.
I forgot to post this earlier
A child`s purpose is to help their parents relearn the states and capitals.
I`m at my most popular when I just want to be alone.
Life hack: If you keep your mouth shut, no one will know you`re so stupid
I`m more indecisive than a John in a brothel with gold credit card.
New philosophy on life: Do unto others, then run like hell.