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Just tried to pay for my McDonalds with a hug, it didn`t work. Don`t believe the rumors.
Summer vacation: Where you drink triple, see double and act single.
eBay sellers - just because you`ve dug your suit/dress out of the back of your wardrobe doesn`t make it vintage. #JustOldAndSmelly
Relationships are like batteries, they have a positive & a negative side. And you end up whacking your remote instead of changing them.
I assert dominance over millennials by responding to their texts with phone calls.
I always read my girlfriend’s horoscope to see what kind of day I’m going to have.
Does all this status updating make my ego look fat?
I`m growing a mullet to test our friendship.
Went for a mile run today. Stupid Ice Cream Man just kept driving even though I was waving my money in the air!
I sometimes check my blocklist to see how my prisoners are doing
Some people never go crazy...... What truly horrible lives they must live
The guy who named the "chimichanga" should be given more authority to name things.
I just want to be perfect... Nah just kidding, I love being weird
Have you ever wondered about the look on someone`s face if you hide under their bed and grab their foot in the middle of the night? Just something to think about.....goodnight!
I’m so old, I can remember going through a whole day without taking a picture of anything.