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Remember, laughter is the best medicine. Unless you have diarrea.
I hate Russian nesting dolls. They`re so full of themselves
Headaches are when the voices inside my head get into a fist fight.
I don`t understand why people have to "get ready" for bed....I`m always ready for bed.
When a cop asks you, "Do you know why I pulled you over?" It is never a good idea to respond, "Because my tires look like donuts?"
Mustaches: 1. Like them or not? 2. Should you refuse to go out on a date with someone just because she has one?
Don`t sugar-coat it, I`ll just lick that off....
Where do all the ice cream men go in winter?
I`m not leaving here without some kind of balloon.
You can`t control who comes into your life. But you can control which window you throw them out of.
I`m good at counting cards. I keep ending up with 52.
I don’t know how your day is going, but I just got lucky on the couch! Yep, I found a dollar!
Nothing good ever came from drinking things that are on fire.
I pulled my wife`s panties to the side.......then put the rest of her socks in the drawer.
A sure cure for sea-sickness is to sit under a tree.