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My horoscope started with `are you sitting down?`
Sure I have my doubts, but Bigfoot doesn’t have any pictures of me either.
People who think I’m not a religious person should see me when the airplane starts to shake.
Something about today makes me want to be hungover tomorrow.
When you consider names for your baby, it`s important to try out the middle name in an angry voice.
This one isnt that funny, keep scrolling.
Who cares, WTF, OMG, so inappropriate, HOLY HELL ! Good LORD, not another selfie...WHOA NELLIE, NO, NO, and HELL NO!!! Me before unfriending someone.
Facebook has suggested that I POKE you.
Kicking a man while he’s down burns 150 calories.
Just completed a 0.00 mile run - preceded by 11 oreo cookies
I read recipes the same way I read science fiction. I get to the end and I think, “well that’s not going to happen.”
If you`re in a hole, stop digging...
The way to win the lottery is to choose the correct numbers in the correct sequence before they are announced. (You’re welcome)
This one time, I got trapped inside a couch cushion fort for like 47 days cause I forgot to put a secret door on it.
Sexual education classes in school should just be listening to a baby cry for 5 hours straight while watching the same cartoon on repeat.